everyday zazen

i am unwell and unable to attend a retreat tomorrow.  i have mixed feelings about this.  i am unhappy because i was looking forward to sitting zazen with others.  i am relieved because i will not have to meet someone i find very difficult to get on with.

we are so different that there is always tension when we meet.  it’s his fault, not mine.  how could it be mine?  i am, of course, judging another.  but what i am judging is a creation in the mind built from past, painful experience, not a “real” person.

we will meet again. perhaps the same feelings will arise.  i am unable to prevent painful feelings from arising but i can be still on my cushion and not act upon them.  they will pass.

when i allow self to drop away there are no others.

the signs of anicca, impermanence, are ever present. i know everything changes but when i am faced with personal signs of changing, i am surprised.

yesterday i offered my son a gift and, instantly, i was teleported twenty years back in time. while i can vividly recall the events that occured, i cannot recall the man i was, how i experienced the world, at that time. he is lost to me.

training, practice, has brought about profound change. i am deeply grateful for that. but i feel a sadness as when an old friend is lost.

having a chronic illness means that there are periods when i am unable to sit zazen.  it is my usual practice to sit first thing in the morning and again at night.

my master says that sitting zazen in this way puts brackets around the day.  i find this to be true.  when i sit morning and night, daily life seems to be contained within the meditation.

there is more to training than just sitting zazen.  training is being still within whatever arises and when illness arises that is my training.  i can still meditate but not in the sitting posture.  training doesn’t cease.

but when i am well enough to resume zazen then gratitude wells up from within.  i have brackets around my day again.

i am a student again, after many years, taking a course in computer studies.  the course is excellent and i am enjoying learning new skills.  however, over the last  couple of weeks old habits have crept in.  the course has become harder and feelings of inadequacy have surfaced.  my response has not come from my sitting place.  i bought in to the feelings giving them reality.

twenty years ago i experience a similar situation.  driven by a deep sense of inadequacy, i took a post graduate course.  higher qualifications would demonstrate my true worth, or so i convinced myself.  half way into the course i realised this could never be so.  i managed to complete the course but soon after i left my profession.

this time my motivation for study is different.  all i want to do was learn how to use a computer.  but self arises so quickly.  now back on  my sitting  place,   where are the feelings?  they came and they went.

i am enjoying my studies again.

“wanting things to be other than they are is suffering”.  i am not sure of the source of this quote but i have come across it many times.  it hits the spot for me.  i seem to spend a lot of my day wishing things were other than they are, either trying to re-write the past or creating a future.  what i am not doing is living fully in the present.

in his book “the power of now” eckhart tolle describes this as habit of mind as unconsciousness.  i am spending a large part of my life unconscious!  although i seem unable to prevent this happening, i can be mindful of this tendency and keep bringing myself back to the present moment.

being here, right now is moment by moment practice, being still within whatever arises is my daily practice.

england are playing ecuador today for a place in the quarter final round of the world cup.  along with most of the population, i shall watch the game on t.v.  and, later, join with friends and neighbours in analysing the reasons for our team’s success or failure. it is important, i feel, to fully engage in the life of my community.  practice is everyday life.  but there are times when i feel uncomfortable when engaged in activities, such as football, which stir up strong feelings.
of course i want my team to win and will cheer them on.  but what if the play of their opponents is superior?  will i applaud them?  and if they win will i applaud then?  with so many games being shown on t.v. it has been easy to simply enjoy watching good football free of an interest in who wins. but will i be able to watch england’s game in the same spirit?  i will try.  i will try to just watch the match.  i will try to avoid getting sucked in by the emotions expressed by the commentators and the experts.
my practice is just sitting so i will do my best to just sit and enjoy the match.  and hope england win.             

i have been concerned that i would not have anything to write about in my first post but here, right in front of me,is what to write about.  dogen says in “rules for meditation” that the koan appears naturally in daily life and here it is.  zazen is just sitting and writing this blog is just writing this blog. 
in zazen i allow body and mind to drop away and just sit.  in this moment i can let go of the thoughts and feelings that appear as obstacles in the mind and just write. so i just sit and just write this post.