{ Monthly Archives }
tiredness caught up with me today. i did not want to get up to sit. a dialogue in my head, for and against, began. today, the case for the defence was not convincing enough. i got up to go sit.
zazen is just sitting within whatever arises. tiredness is what i just sat with today. tomorrow it will be something else. feelings and thoughts will arise, stay for a while, and then pass.
what doesn’t pass is that which sits zazen.
i was a white, british, young communist. angela davis was an african american, communist woman. she was an inspiration, revolutionary hero, an icon. that was thirtyfive years ago.
on retreat, i met a young, black woman. today, in her youth, angela davis inspires her. the light of truth which angela davis gave expression to all those years ago still shines today, transcending age, gender and race.
i bow to angela davis buddha.
this morning i sat in the ceremony hall of the monastery. tonight, after a journey of hundreds of miles, i will sit at home.
where i happen to be is of no consequence. my sitting place is always where i place my mat. right here, now.
tomorrow i leave for a two week summer retreat. the monastery will be full of people who have come to sit zazen together, each doing their own training.
sitting sesshin is tiring. each day is full with periods of meditation, dharma talks and working meditation. living with so many people is demanding. tension surfaces. being mindful, trusting that everyone is doing the very best they can, eases the way.
a few i will greet as old friends. i know little about them, only their names, even though we have sat together for years. most i will meet for the first time and never see again. at the end of the retreat we each leave to go our own way.
i go my own way but take with me direct experience of the interconnectedness of all beings, of all things. i never leave alone.
i am preparing to go away. i have packed and unpacked my bags. i have checked and rechecked everything else. in my mind, the journey has been made over and over.
i am not going anywhere today, or tomorrow. today i need to be right here, bringing my mind back again and again to the present.
i don’t think it is going to be that easy.
recently, i received a letter from a prisoner. the last contact we had was some years ago when i was his buddhist chaplain. now, he is coming up for parole.
i found training with men in prison inspirational. prison is a grim and dangerous place, a hell realm. in that hell realm they found the courage to open their hearts and minds and found buddha. that they shared their practice with me was a privilege and i bow with gratitude.
i offer the merit of this day to all beings who are imprisoned.
yesterday i walked,with a friend, on the south downs way. people have walked this ancient trackway for millenia. once it was for trade, now for recreation.
i have walked this old way for years. i always meet others and sometimes join them for a while. we all have our favourite viewpoints and detours. we share our time for a while and move on. there are always others on the path even if i can’t see them. if i injured myself i would just wait. someone would come along.
practice is like this. i walk the path with others. even if we never meet, they are training as i am. when my path is difficult, someone always comes along to walk awhile with me.
together we walk the way and move on.
there is discontent in my life. it’s not obvious, open, in my face discontent. it lurks in the background. i sense that it arises from grasping at ideals rather than accepting the actual , wanting life to be more comfortable than it is.
sitting within this is difficult. i just want the discomfort to go away. i want a perfect life.
what i have is the gift of the reality of this life. i bow in gratitude
every spring a friend or neighbour will offer me tomato plants. i plant a couple of vines in containers and cultivate them through the summer. i rarely see them ripen. when they are ready to eat, i am usually away on summer retreat. i offer the fruit to others. when i return, there may be a few late ripeners for me.
practice, daily training, is as this. each day we cultivate the mind ground. the fruits of training we offer to all beings.
having a chronic illness is like having a contract with a “get out” clause. i can choose to avoid any discomfort by invoking the clause in my contract with life. to invoke the clause i only have to say “i am not really well enough”.
it doesn’t work. there is no avoidance, no “get out” clauses in real life. what i get is a feeling of unnease, the consequence of my action.
far better to face life just as it is.