{ Monthly Archives }
my next door neighbour gave birth to twins. mother and babies are well and yesterday they came home. our street was full of joy. the next day, the baby of another neighbour died. our street was full of sorrow.
a tragic reminder of the impermanence of all conditioned things.
on a day like today, i find myself reciting this line from the invocation of achalanatha; ‘by our own wills and vigilance, may we our fetters cut away.’
no one can do it for me.
at midnight it became winter daylight saving time. clocks were turned back one hour. for the next few days there will be confusion. our bodies will be working on a different time zone to our clocks.
but in reality it is always right now.
it’s saturday and it’s grey and wet. i want it to be sunny and bright at the weekend. but somewhere the sun is shining.
i just can’t see it right now. am i really looking?
my efforts to fix my dripping tap were unsuccessful. i had to get a new component. that took two days. the tap provided fresh water to the kitchen. for two days i had to fetch water from the upstairs bathroom.
i am now aware of how wasteful i am, how casual is my attitude to this wonderful gift of clean water. the tap is now fixed, water is running again. today, before i turn on the tap, i will pause. i will put my hands in gassho with gratitude for that which i took for granted.
a minor inconvenience. great teaching.
i have a meeting today. already i am constructing the self, the ‘me’ that will be at the meeting. this self will be alert, competent, decisive. but this self disintegrates as fast as i construct it. it is just an illusion.
so why persist with this pointless activity of the mind?
when sitting zazen, body and mind drop away. just sitting is entrusting oneself to the meditation. when sleeping, body and mind drop away. sleeping is an act of faith. nothing is held on to. sleep, by its nature, just has to be trusted.
morning zazen is preparation for practice in daily life. evening zazen is preparation for practice in sleep.
when new to training, i dreamed of a time when a shiny, new, no-self would emerge, phoenix like, from the ashes of old self. the new self would drift serenely, unmoved by the chaos of daily life. ah well!
but when i sit zazen there is that which is serene and unmoved. what is it?
first thing this morning is to visit the dentist. my dentist appointments are always made for first thing monday morning. everything else, no matter how inconvenient it is for me or other people, is shuffled around to accommodate this appointment.
when i make the appointment i tell myself that it will be convenient to ‘get it out of the way’. first thing monday morning is never convenient. what i am doing is acting on aversion, trying to avoid something i find unpleasant. it doesn’t work.
there is just a time to go to the dentist. and that is now.
i have a leaking tap. it has been leaking for some time. when i first noticed it, i resolved to fix it. but i haven’t. the sound of the dripping is now so irritating that i can no longer ignore it. i will fix it. right now.
for me, practice is like this. only when i so irritate myself, when i can no longer ignore the drip, dripping of delusion, do i resolve to do something about me and do it.
time to fix the dripping tap.
just do it. right now!