everyday zazen

i took the way forward in dealing with the grievance i felt. standing back was allowing the feelings to harden.going straight to the heart of it,making the offering,allowed us both a way forward.

why should it be me? because i am the only one who can.it can’t be done for me.

i feel i have been badly treated.maybe so.but nursing a grievance,looking for revenge or expecting the other to recognise my hurt is not helpful.chasing a resolution is wanting things to be other than they are.

being still within this will allow the way forward to reveal itself.

i came across an injured gull.i was afraid to touch it.its beak looked large and deadly.so first i tried to ignore it.then i looked for someone else to deal with it but there was no-one. so i set to it,my efforts clumsy from fear.my clumsiness caused the bird pain and me too.i got bitten in return.but i picked the bird up and found help.the bird went off to the vet.

so often,when fear arises i attempt avoidance.but yesterday, i managed not to let fear and pain become an obstacle to doing what was good to do.

the everyday activity of last week’s sesshin was sitting for hours facing a wall.the everyday activity of this week is the life of a householder.so the scenery of my life changes.

but practice,everyday zazen,is continuous.

i find it an odd experience to come into my house after being away.everything looks the same.everything is where i left it.nothing,it seems,has changed.but i know that is not the way it really is.things are never the way they seem.

time has passed.change has taken place whether i can recognise it or not.

i’m off tomorrow for the summer retreat until 26th august.the monastery will be full of people.some i will know already but most i will be meeting for the first time.all of us will be there to spend the period training with others.who they are doesn’t matter.the signal gong will ring for the first meditation period and we will bow together,as one.

in everyday life we often feel separate but something always comes along to remind us that this is not so.we are one,not two.

the football season has started.for some it has started with a bang and for others,like me,with a whimper.my team lost their first game.the game has changed as our society has changed. clubs are foreign owned.sixty percent of players come from other countries.fans travel the world to watch their team play in international competitions.for some it is their life.

but so what? if i were about to die right now would all this concern me.i don’t think so.then what would?

the town is buzzing with holiday makers.the pavement cafes,beaches and parks are full.children are everywhere.it is high summer.days are hot and seemingly endless.

yet early morning and late evening now carry a slight chill.change is in the air.

i was going to make a phone call today,speaking in the language i am learning.i rehearsed what i wanted to say over and over.but events unfolded differently to the way i expected.i never got to make the call.

we can’t rehearse life.

next week i am going away for a short time. i feel as though i should be doing something to prepare.but there is nothing to do.

so why pull clouds across a clear sky?