everyday zazen

my daughter is getting married this week. her partner is belgian and so the celebration is being held in both countries. it’s going to be a busy and joyful week.

so i’ll take a break from blogging for a week.

i lost my internet connection. i called the help line and was answered by someone in india. i explained my problem,they fixed it. i spoke to a couple of guys who were leaving the mosque at the end of my street. they couldn’t speak english and i didn’t even know what language they spoke.

laughing at our lack of language we waved goodbye. there is more to communication than words.

i am feeling unwell and uncertain whether i should rest or just get on. but i rarely know precisely what to do. when i think i do know it is usually just that. i think i know. but i don’t. and it doesn’t matter if i know or not. what is right now may not be so in the future.

just step out from stillness and be willing to change direction.

we were talking about how things seem to go wrong,one after another. what goes ‘wrong’ is our response to events. something happens and i respond with irritation. if i cling to the irritation then i am primed for the next unwelcome event. before i know it i am living in a disaster area. and it’s personal. the universe is out to get me!

what can i do on such a day but simply bow.

i gave meditation instruction yesterday. i recall my first time very clearly the first time i was shown how to sit. i wasn’t aware of what i was getting in to. i just knew my life had to radically change and i was willing to try just about anything. what a gift i was offered that day.

yesterday i offered that gift to another. what better way to express gratitude.

a couple of years ago i nearly died. today an appointment for a routine check up at the hospital arrived. i am somewhat optimistic but this can obscure that which i need to pay attention to. optimism can lead to denial,a wish for things to just go away. things won’t necessarily turn out ‘all right’. it could get worse.

it’s a bright,sunny morning. i can enjoy the sunshine and accept the fear. today life contains this.

i helped my son move house. today i am exhausted. like all of us i am quite good at caring for others. today i need to care for this being i call ‘me’.

i’m not so good at that.

i always have a choice. sometimes fear or other pressure can obscure that. usually,when choosing seems difficult,it is simply my own resistance. i desire the apparent easy way rather than responding to what is good to do. i hesitate even when the choice i need to make is blindingly obvious.

i always have a choice. and sometimes that is to wait.

occasionally i am invited to the mental health clinic where i was once a patient. i talk to people about my journey through mental illness. i teach them meditation as a means to be still within their pain. one or two have been able to respond and turned their lives around as i once did. maybe a seed has been sown within the others which,one day,will grow.

i offer the merit of this day to all beings suffering mental affliction.

why do i try so hard to get on with people? when i am not getting on with someone then uncomfortable feelings arise and i  don’t  like that. the wish to be at one with all beings is obscured as self re-acts strongly to being dragged out of its comfort zone.

if i am still,within the discomfort,then there is oneness.