everyday zazen

i’m off to the big city to see the christmas lights and maybe go skating. time to take a break from blogging until the new year.

i wish everyone a happy and peaceful new year.

‘there was a man upon the stair. a little man who wasn’t there. he wasn’t there again today. i wish that man would go away.’

i don’t know who wrote this. but it was someone who understood fear.

my neighbour’s operation was successful. tomorrow she comes home. women in our street are making arrangements to give her the personal support she will need. they support each other in their fear that this might happen to them. is there anything i can do?

i can be willing to respond in any way that is asked of me.

we are approaching the winter solstice. people get up in the dark,go to work in the dark,sit in artificial light all day and then go home in the dark. there are days when it doesn’t seem to get light at all. it goes from dark to dark with some grey in between. if the sun appears it is only to hover pale and cold above the rooftops. at this time of year i feel depressed and crave light.

within this darkness i can still look up. i need not follow the dark thoughts and feelings.

o.k. so i am not going to die. not just yet. prescribed medication will keep me well. my neighbour goes to hospital today to have an operation. she has breast cancer but that is no longer a certain death sentence. how fortunate we are to live at this time,benefiting from the skill of modern physicians.

i offer the merit of this day to jane and those who will care for her.

i have an appointment with my doctor to look at the results of a blood test. i shall take the bad news with calmness and serenity. i will spend the last days of my life in quiet contemplation. dream on! i’m quite anxious really.

but i am not anxious right now. right now i am typing this and i don’t have time for anxiety. the anxiety can be allowed to come and go as all things do. i will just get on with what is in front of me.

i have looked at the options open to me. i could choose this or that. or not. i don’t have to go with these apparently clear choices.

there is a third position which is only found in stillness.

i’m going to a premier league football match today. a few weeks ago i found that some people close to me,great football fans,had never been to a live big match. so i got some tickets. i did not realise just how much pleasure i was giving. they have had weeks of mounting excitement. we haven’t been to th match yet.

i never realised,when i bought the tickets,how much pleasure would come back to me. am i giving or am i receiving? no difference.

through training i do my best to drop off karmic baggage. sometimes i can do that once and for all. but mostly it is an ongoing process of picking up old,familiar,habits and gently putting them down again.

this seeming turmoil of thoughts and feelings which rises and falls in the mind is not me. what is?