everyday zazen

yesterday i couldn’t post. i think there was something wrong with the web site. i don’t really know. because i didn’t understand i kept worrying at it. and then,of course,i became frustrated. a simple case of cause and effect but it took me some time to acknowledge that this piece of suffering was a direct result of my actions. not the computer’s fault. not the web site’s fault. simply a result of my deliberate action.

every day i am  reminded that suffering is wanting things to be other than they are.

great excitement in our street. police everywhere. a door forced in. our street drug dealer arrested. he will face the consequences of his actions. or will he? there will be consequences,a jail sentence for example. but will he be able to acknowledge the harm he has caused?

but what about me? can i honestly face my mistakes and any harm i may have caused?

‘ to open to your innate nature and to feel something from the bottom of your heart,it is necessary to remain silent.’

shunryu suzuki.

suzuki roshi was talking here of why we are silent during sesshin. but in my everyday life there is chatter in the mind. if i constantly engage in it,i will not be able to feel and respond from the heart.

how much time do i waste each day playing with objects in the mind. fascinating as they are,they are not reality. my thought just now was,’what shall i write this morning?’. the answer was a long time coming. i just could not resist playing with the ideas and constructions which flooded into my mind.

and i already knew the answer to my question. just do what i do every morning. it’s not difficult. just write.

i refrain from expressing my thoughts and feelings. i tell myself that i am trying to avoid causing pain. so i am. but it’s not pain to another but my own that i am attempting to avoid. so when i do eventually express myself i have created another layer of suffering. and the possibility of causing harm is greater.

avoidance is not the answer. gently turning towards the suffering,embracing it,allows expression to come from the true heart.

what i said was, ‘i need to get away’. the winter has seemed long,my health is not so good. what i was feeling was the need for a break,a holiday,to recuperate. but i can’t ‘get away’. this body and mind will have to come too and it is this body and mind i cling to.

but i could do with a break.

i have been following the progress of the u.s. presidential election. pure soap opera. but there are thousands of sincere local party workers doing their best to improve the lives of their people. doing our best is all any of us can do. the situation we find ourselves in can be difficult. the choices open to us can be unpalatable. we do what we can.

but we must be willing to accept the consequences of our actions.

when i go to the cinema i get very involved in the movie. i’m in it. if i watch the same movie on t.v. it is with detachment. same film,different circumstance. in the cinema i temporarily suspend real life. a cinema is designed for that. at home i can always hear,if not see,life around me. i am firmly in my chair,here,watching a film on the screen,over there.

what runs in my mind is often just a movie. it is just fantasy for my amusement. it is not the reality of here and now. so do i get involved in it or do i stay in my chair,detached? my choice.

i awoke with anger. i sat within anger. it is still around. but what lies behind this? so long as i don’t grasp at it or attempt to push it away i will see. the pain driving it will be revealed through the clouds of anger if i just let everything be.

so what can i do? for a start i can treat this keyboard gently. this anger is not its fault.

i am tempted to measure the value of a day by achievements. a ‘good day’ is a day when i get a lot done. or is it really a day filled with distracting activity?

there can also be activity within stillness.