everyday zazen

in response to a question on training,the teacher said,’stop trying so hard’. and then added,’and don’t try not to try’.

i’m off on holiday tomorrow. i will not try to relax.

it is good to have a trusted spiritual friend. i have such a friend. we rarely meet in person but speak frequently by phone. we talk openly,unguardedly. we have a ‘no-holds barred’ relationship. it is relationship which is,simultaneously,intimate and detached. the value of such a relationship is immeasurable.

i offer the merit of this day to all who are a kalyanamitra,a good spiritual friend.

how to keep up a momentum in training is a question that is frequently asked. after a retreat people go home determined to maintain their practice but,over time,their resolve weakens. taking time out for retreat or even a short visit to a temple is a necessary part of practice. i was on a day retreat yesterday and feel the benefit today of that precious time. so how to maintain momentum?

it is simply that yesterday’s practice was in a temple,today’s practice is right here. different scenery,not different practice. not two.

it can be difficult to see that there is always a choice. life lives me and i live life. in the midst of despair at the way my life is,i can choose to look up. i can allow myself to be buffeted by thoughts and feelings or i can see them as a rising and falling in the mind.

but this is not a once and for all choice. it is continuous practice.

at the back of my house is a small area of concrete with a high fence. i have crammed it with shrubs. i call it my urban oasis. the ever presence of people and cats deters wild life. but on sunday a black bird came and fed off berries. yesterday it came again. no exotic creature could have given me more pleasure.

i know it’s greed but i really want it to come again.

snow was forecast. i i watched each weather report with anticipation. please,please let it snow on me! but it didn’t. not a single flake settled on me. but even if it had i would have wanted more. drifts deep enough to swallow a person. and elsewhere people were cursing the snow as they struggled to get to the shops or make journeys.

of course,i wanted picture postcard snow. not the real stuff. as i craved perfection the reality of life passed unnoticed. i was unconscious in the dream of a snowscape. such is suffering.

it’s easter. it was,in my childhood,a weekend of religious celebration. now it is a celebration of the pursuit of happiness. instead of flocking to church to worship god,people now flock to shopping malls in the worship of consumerism. but the easter of my childhood was oppressive,conformist. i am pleased that it is no more. but what has replaced it isn’t any better.

i don’t have to go with the crowd. i don’t have to turn my back on the crowd in pursuit of an ideal. there is a middle way.

this blog is on wordpress. i read their news bulletin on the new functions that are on offer. i understood not one word! o.k. that’s not true. i recognised it as english. it was the meaning that escaped me.

but do people understand what i am saying?

i hadn’t noticed that it is now light at 5.30 a.m. i get up and sit and it’s light! when did that happen? but that is the way training goes for me. no sudden flashes of understanding. change comes about quietly,unnoticed.

whatever,just sit!

we meet in the street and ask each other how we can help our neighbour. as well as a deep wish to help another there is fear and a deep questioning. what if it was me who had cancer? would i hang on to life by any means? how would i face death? we talk of these things.

we offer help to our neighbour. she offers us a priceless gift.