everyday zazen

throughout each day i take,from time to time,a pause. it is good to be still within activity even if just for a heartbeat. the recent past has been hectic and emotional. time to take a step back and renew.

today is a pause.

yesterday i visited someone who was newly deceased. i am always deeply moved when in the presence of a being entering their final moments of existence in human form. no birth,no death,just the flow of the life of buddha.

this life is a precious gift not to be wasted. how will i express gratitude for my life today?

i lived the last two weeks with pain and confusion. being willing to sit within the heart of it,allowing it to just be,was enough.

where is that pain and confusion now?

i am reading,’each moment of the universe’ by dainin katagiri. this morning i read;

‘you cannot find any peace by escaping from human pain and suffering; you have to find peace and harmony right in the midst of human pain. that is the purpose of spiritual life.’

i spent time in the presence of someone approaching the end of life. i spent time in the presence of pain and distress,of attachment and clinging. what was being shown to me was the need to look directly at that which i cling to.

for there is no time other than now to do the work that comes to me.

i need to take care. i have denied this sense of loss for too long. now,in grief,there is anger. and the desire to vent this anger on others is strong. to sit still within all this emotion which threatens to overwhelm is so hard. moment by moment by moment i offer up the grief,doing my best to be upright and still within the emotional storm.

no matter what arises,it is just everyday practice.

there is grief,a profound sense of loss. but from the first there was nothing gained,so nothing to lose. and yet i still grieve,washed by cleansing tears. this i offer up to kanzeon,the great compasionate one,calling on that which regards the cries of the world.

in stillness the call is always answered.

thus shall ye think of all this fleeting world;
a star at dawn,a bubble in a stream;
a flash of lightning in a summer cloud,
a flickering lamp,a phantom,and a dream.

this beautiful verse is from the diamond sutra. i go to it often.

things are never what i think they are. when i let go of thoughts i can face life directly and do what is good to do.

i have given my cup final ticket to a neighbour. he too dreamed of seeing his team play in the cup final at wembley. he was unable to get a ticket legitimately and unable to afford one on the blackmarket. i have been able to make his dream come true. he is walking on air and i share his joy.

who is giving and who is receiving.